Sincerely Yours
by KCUrquhart
Summary: After Coulson's death, the SHIELD therapists suggest Clint write letters to him to help Clint cope with the loss.


Coulson,

The therapists say I should write down my feelings, as a way of dealing with this. It feels so stupid! Writing to you. It's not like you can hear me. I would have said no, but Nat's very purposefully cleaning her guns on my bunk right now. So I'm humoring her.

I really don't know what they want me to write. What am I supposed to say? That I miss you? That I wish you hadn't gone after Loki on your own? That'd you'd have waited for backup? That it's my fault you died. I know, I know. It's not my fault. That's what everyone keeps saying. But it still feels like it is. Because it's my fault Loki was on the helicarrier. My fault that he knew enough about SHIELD and the Avengers to plan an attack. My fault everyone was so busy that you felt like you had to take on Loki alone.

I should have been there. Should have been your backup. Twelve years as partners and you always had my back. I just wish the one time you really needed me to have yours that I could have been there. All those times of pulling each other out of rubble. On the fly first aid. Keeping each other sane by telling each other stories on those horribly long missions that Fury kept sending us on. And all of it didn't matter. Because none of it could save you.

Clint

Couslon

Thor took Loki back to Asgard today. Was weird seeing him walking about. Not really free, but still, in only a few restraints. It reminded me too much of that time in Rio when that drug lord got the drop on you and managed to shoot you despite him being in shackles. Still not gonna let you live that one down.

Nat kept a close eye on me today. Never let me get more than a few feet from her. It was annoying. Cause I really just wanted to put an arrow through Loki's eye. Which might have been what she was trying to prevent. Not sure why. Why does Asgard want him alive so badly? Seems like he's caused them as many problems as he's caused us. Course Thor caused more injuries than Loki back in New Mexico. But Loki more than made up for it. To think, I'd thought that destroyer robot thing had been bad. If I'd known then -

Phil

Sorry about not finishing last time. I just couldn't. Not that it matters. Cause you're not here. You aren't gonna read this. Any of this. I should just stop writing. But they were right. It helps somehow. Like there's still some little piece of you here. Something I can cling to. It's stupid. Cause there's not. You're gone. You've been gone for two weeks.

I can't remember the last time I went this long without you. Maybe it was the time I laced Fury's coffee with salt and he assigned me to a month long op in Cairo with Sitwell. Not going to complain about Sitwell. I know you guys were friends and he's kind of a badass in his own way. But he's not you. I think Fury's gonna put him in charge of the Avengers. I don't want him to. The Avengers were your baby. No one else should be allowed to touch it.

Anyway. It's hard. Not having you around. People say you don't realize what you have till it's gone, but I don't think that's true. Cause I always knew how awesome you were. Knew from the first time I saw you take down a guy using a stress ball. Or when you held your own in a shouting match with Fury. Junior agents will talk about that forever. I know it. I mean, seriously, what the hell happened in Andalucía that you can use it as blackmail? Please tell me it involves Fury in some sort of compromising position. And that you have pictures somewhere. Though if you did Fury has probably found and burned them by now.

Clint

Phil

Stark's finally convinced Fury that the Avengers all need to be living under one roof. I was hoping that they'd meant the HQ barracks, but no, that'd be too convenient. Not that I blame Fury for not wanting to let Stark have free access to HQ. That man would manage to usurp Fury and declare himself King of the World in a week flat. So we're all moving into Stark Tower as soon as the renovations are done. Which should be sometime later this week. When you're as rich as Stark, things like the rest of New York being in ruins doesn't matter. If he wants his precious Tower fixed, then he won't rest until it is.

It's kind of impressive. But I'll never tell him that.

Banner seems the most excited about the move. Stark assured him that he'd had the contractors reinforce the walls so that Hulk would have a problem breaking through them. Not sure if that helped Banner at all. But Nat and Cap both said that they'd keep things calm. Which is hilarious. No way us five can live together and not wreak havoc. It will only get worse when Thor comes back. If he comes back. Who knows. Though he probably will, for Jane.

Fury still hasn't announced who will take over the Avengers. Hill's been sorta running it. But she is still edgy around me. Not that I blame her. But I'm getting tired of everyone shying away from me. Can't walk through HQ without everyone either glaring or flat out running away. It's been over a month. Still everyone's looking at me like they expect me to go crazy and start shooting up the helicarrier again.

Makes me kind of glad to be moving out. At least the others don't treat me like I'm made of glass. Nat's finally started sparring with me at full strength again. And Stark just makes stupid remarks. No surprise there. Pepper swears it's a coping mechanism. She claims he misses you too. She seems pretty awesome. I can see why you kept in contact with her. Anyone who can keep Tony on that tight of a leash is worthy of respect.

Cap is, well, absolutely sickeningly perfect. I wish he wasn't. Every time I see him, it just reminds me of you. Of your Captain America footie pajamas that your mom gave you for Christmas a few years ago. And the fact that you claimed to have never worn them but Nat told me she'd patched them where you'd worn a hole in one of the heels. You should have just told me. It's not like I would have cared. I loved the fact that you were such a fanboy. I mean, of all people in the world to idolize, you had to pick the super serum soldier. You're the most badass man I've ever met and that's still not enough for you. Do you realize how many theories there are about you among the junior agents? I can name thirty people off the top of my head who idolize you even more than you idolize Cap.

Nat's yelling at me to hurry up. Fury's called a press conference to officially announce the Avengers Initiative. She's making me dress in my field uniform. Something about looking the part. If it was anyone else I would tell them to shove it and maybe use an arrow to drive the point home. I don't want to go plaster a smile on my face and pretend that everything's all right. Cause it's not. I'm trying. I really am. They keep saying it'll get better. But it's not. I still miss you.

Clint

Phil

Life in Stark Tower, or the Avengers Tower as we're now calling it, which pisses off Tony to no end, is even more chaotic than I thought. But Bruce hasn't Hulked out yet, so that's a plus. He and Tony spend most of their time in their labs. They insisted that there be at least a floor between them. Apparently Tony's love of heavy metal music makes it hard for Bruce to keep calm.

Nat and Steve get along way too well for anyone's good. Did you know he can draw? Like he's seriously talented. But you're you. So of course you knew that. How did you never mention that to me? I mean, of all the useless Captain America trivia you stuffed into my head. Do you realize how awkward it is to be eating dinner and be able to remind Steve of the name of the street his elementary school was on?

But I guess there's lots of things you never told me. Just like there are lots of things I never told you. And now it's too late. Why did you do it Phil? Why? You had to have known you wouldn't survive. You'd seen what Loki could do. Did you want to die Phil? Did you want to go out in a blaze of glory? Did you want to make sure your death meant something? Cause that's stupid. You could've brought us together with some motivational speech or something. You didn't have to sacrifice yourself. Cause your life meant something too.

Clint

Phil

We had our first assignment as the Avengers today. Hydra. Go figure. Thor even showed up. Steve took it pretty hard. I don't think he really realized that Hydra was still around. He's still shaken up about it. He disappeared into his room and we can hear old love songs playing. We've agreed to give him two days and if he isn't better by then, we're dragging him out to do touristy stuff. That usually cheers him up. Wish you could be here to learn that sort of stuff. That sort of Cap trivia that you would have geeked over.

I'm writing this from Medical. Don't freak out. It's only a few broken ribs. A grenade that landed too close and threw me into a brick wall. Nat took over in the overzealous protector role. Steve tried to. Which felt wrong. The hospital feels so empty without you. Without you sitting in the visitors chair. Keeping yourself up for far too long worrying about me. I always complained but it was amazing. I hated the bags under your eyes but it was wonderful having someone care that much.

I just wish. NO! I can't. Not yet. It's still too soon. If I let myself think about that I'll have a break down. And I just got the therapists to sign off on me not having to go to any more sessions. Which isn't fair. Nat only had to go to one. And it only lasted 5 minutes.

Clint

I wish you were here. It's so quiet without you. I know I said I wouldn't do this. But this damn hospital is so quiet at three in the morning. And I can't take it anymore. I tried. I acted like I was moving on. Like I was getting over the gaping hole that you left behind. But I'm not. I can't forget you. Everything reminds me of you. The way you'd pinch the bridge of your nose when you were annoyed. Or how you could yell at people in a way that made them feel start quaking in fear without having to raise your voice. Everything about you.

All of those things that I'll never get to see again. Because you went and got yourself killed! You fucking selfish bastard! How could you do that to me?! How could you just leave me?! Didn't you care about what it'd do to me? Did you even spare a thought for how impossible my life would be without you? I loved you, you fucking asshole! And you just ran off and got yourself killed! I hate you for that. I hate that you thought you were expendable. Or that you weren't. Or whatever the hell you were thinking. Cause you weren't thinking. You couldn't have been. Or else you would never have done it.

or maybe you would have

maybe you already knew how I felt

maybe that's why you did it

I wish I would have just told you in person. When I had the chance.

I'm sorry

Coulson

Three months. Three! Even for Fury that's low. Seriously. What the hell? You're a bigger bastard than I'd thought.

Barton

Coulson

You seemed so offended. Like my anger wasn't justified. Fuck You!

Barton

Coulson

I don't care what Fury says. I don't care that everyone else seems to have forgotten. I won't. You were dead. For 3 months. You can't just come back and pretend like it never happened. Seeing you walking around every day. In that same old suit. It's torture and I don't know if I can handle it.

Barton

Coulson

I can't handle it. I just can't. And I don't know why I'm still writing these. But I guess they really do help. And part of me is still waiting for me to wake up and for all of this to have been a dream and for you to still be dead. Because this is the sort of horrible self-torturing nightmare that my brain would cook up.

You'd think I'd be happy. That'd I'd see this as a second chance. I'm not and I don't.

I'm miserable. When you were dead, I had an excuse. Now that's gone. Now I have to see you every day. Have to watch as you bond with Steve and you love it just as much as I knew you would. I see you making us into a truly functional team. Your lifelong dream. Your team of superheroes. If I was worried about professionalism before, well, there's no way you'd do anything to risk the team. I know that. So I won't even bother asking you to. Not that'd I'd want that anyway. But I can't stay here either.

I'm leaving these letters to explain why I left. Because I'm too much of a coward to do it in person. Plus I'm pretty sure Nat would try and literally knock some sense into me. Which wouldn't work. Cause this IS sense. Anyway. I'll stop rambling now. Have a good life. I know you and the Avengers will do amazing things.

Goodbye

Clint Barton

Phil

One last letter. An update to finish off the collection. So many things I could write, but I don't have to. Because now I can actually say them to you. I will still never forgive Nat for helping you track me down. But I'm glad she did. I'm glad you came after me. I'm glad you told me that you'd read the letters and that you felt the same way. But more than anything, I'm glad for this last year. Even with the super villains and the evil schemes. I never dreamt that I'd get to lead this life with you. That I could have this job AND you. I never thought Fury would okay it. Did you threaten him with Andalucía again? Well, have to go. Nat's pressuring me. Something about not being late to my own wedding. Nag nag nag.

See you at the altar

Clint


End file.
